Tuesday, December 24, 2013

Update

"Update" is the only title I could think of that didn't sound depressing. So bear with me.

As you all know, until yesterday, we were excitedly looking forward to the arrival of another baby boy next year. 

I've never been good at using caution with my emotions and I didn't in this situation either. 

We fell in love with the birth mother and the baby. Things at first seemed so perfect. I let myself get excited and plan. I painted the baby's room (in hind sight I'm so grateful I chose a neutral color). We told Nathan a baby brother was coming. We went to 2 ultrasounds and received lots of ultrasound pictures. 

The birth mother got back together with the birth father and we felt so lucky to have the birth father involved this time around. He seemed very supportive of her adoption plan and a great guy. We enjoyed getting to know them and some of her family. 

As things went along though I started to feel a foreboding feeling that their plans would change. And they did. 

As I have already written here, as an adoptive couple we are not here to persuade someone to place their baby for adoption. We have no part in that decision nor would we try to. We can only be in the picture once someone is already decided on placing their baby. The birth mother was no longer sure that adoption was best for her child. Together, they dreamed of parenting this baby. I completely respect that. It's their choice to make and their right. 

But that meant we no longer had a role in their lives. He's not our baby. We have no right to claim anything. We were out of the picture. 

I can't even tell you coherently of the grief I felt yesterday. We had grown to care for this baby and had plans. But how do you grieve over someone that wasn't yours to begin with? 

I was stunned. Confused. And hurt. Oh how I hurt. 
My heart literally felt like it was being squeezed. I had never felt loss so acutely before.
I cried more than I probably have all year. 
I didn't feel like I could talk to anyone. So many tried to reach out to ask what was wrong yesterday and I just couldn't get the words out. 

As I was dealing with the pain, I turned to what I already had and held on tight. 
I've learned so many things from this experience. There are so many things I see from this situation in hind sight and I know that God was teaching me. 

I feel so grateful for all the support and love we have received through this. It will take time to heal. 

This does not shake my testimony. I can't even feel mad that we've been through this. 
Instead I know that the rest of our family is still out there. 
I'm excited to meet the birth mom of our next child. 

I know that when things are meant to be, they are. 

So once again I turn to YOU and ask for your help in spreading the word that we're adopting. Our adoption profile is online again and the link is in the top right corner of our blog. 

Thank you so much and Merry Christmas! 

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