Monday, February 24, 2014

Healing and Finding Hope Again

After our failed adoption I felt I couldn't even think about our future baby anymore. The hurt was too raw from losing our would-be son. Purchases were returned to Target and Pinterest boards were deleted. For a while I felt like I wouldn't ever be able to move on and keep hoping.


I think hope is like a seed though. Gavin planted a seed with a private comment he made after our failed adoption and it planted a seed of hope in my hurting heart. Without realizing it, the seed was nourished by my efforts to find happiness in my every day life again. And for me, as my hope grew my heart was able to heal. I was able to contact the birth mother and wish her the best on her upcoming delivery. That was a huge step in my healing. We enjoyed a little bit of chatting and parted friends. I am so glad. I am grateful. Afterwards I felt like I could finally move on from the pain. And I have. I have begun to daydream about decorating our nursery again, cuddling a newborn at night, losing lots of sleep, and having our home feel full. Right now I acutely feel that someone is missing. Their presence is missing. Their noise is missing. And we're all praying faithfully that we'll find them soon.

Also, Nathan occasionally pretends to play with an imaginary little girl that he calls the only girl name Gavin and I agree on. I don't think we've ever said the name in his presence and rarely even say it at all. So now I'm super interested in what the gender of our next child is. I admit, I don't feel qualified to raise a girl. But I know I DO want to raise a girl that is strong, who is sure of herself and her worth, and is not afraid to wear a tutu AND play football with her brother. I'll have to blog sometime what our parenting philosophies are and what we hope for our children. We talk about it often. I'll work on that post this week.

In the meantime, thanks again for all your prayers and positive thoughts you send our way! I can feel your prayers! Hopefully Baby Holt will arrive soon!


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