Tuesday, April 23, 2013

Tantrums are not just for toddlers

First, thanks to everyone who has been so sweet and interested in our second round of adoption. It means a lot to know so many care!

The process is...going. It's a lot more time consuming than I had thought. Paper work, dr visits, safety inspections, finger prints, training hours, etc. All worth it of course, but a lot to squeeze in our small windows of quiet time. 

Of course it doesn't help when someone takes a month and a half pause with the process. 

And here's where I keep it real. 

Years ago, that now seem like eons, we were so hopeful. And hurt. And really desperately wanting to become parents. We were intently focused on becoming parents. On getting our first. We both knew we wanted more kids, but they weren't in the forefront of my mind during our first adoption. 

Which means this second time around brought on some old and new feelings. 

It was like "Oh yeah! We wanted more kids...uhm, where are they coming from???"

To be honest I think a part of me thought that all this was temporary. That we'd be one of those couples to magically become pregnant and ride off into the sunset in our minivan to baby land.

I never thought I'd have to come to terms with our infertility again. To have to stare it in the face again and say "That's ok! No worries!"

Instead I stared it in the face and threw my own personal tantrum. Complete with pouty face, "it's not fair" and "I don't wanna". Much chocolate followed.

I realize now that every single time we want another child I will again have to come to terms with our infertility.

And face some crushing emotions.

Feelings of failure, of feeling not good enough, but mostly hurt. Hurt that it can't be "easy", like "everyone else". Hurt that having a minvan full of kiddos that look like your hot hubby is really not a reality. Hurt that you will never get to send your hubby out for ice cream at 2am (and him actually go get it) or get that pregnant glow. No ultrasounds on your adorable huge belly.

I finally snapped out of my pity party when my husband came to the rescue and hit the adoption paperwork full force outta nowhere. Don't tell me that wasn't divine intervention. It was just what I needed to wake up and get moving.

Seriously, I consider myself blessed. I have a life that so many people only dream of. I have food, clothes, a beautiful house, a minivan of my own, etc. I have my health. I can walk, run, see. I'm not disfigured. I'm not obese. I don't have diabetes, asthma, anything. I've never even broken a bone before.

Everyone has challenges. What matters is that we shoulder on. We give it to the Lord and say "Okay! No worries!" and appreciate what we do have.

I loved Elder Holland's talk from spring 2013 LDS General Conference.

photo from theRhouse.com
So hope on, journey on! And...continue to fill out adoption paperwork if you're me :) 

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