Thursday, December 13, 2012


Today I finally faxed off an important page in our adoption application to be filled out! Hooray! In the midst of Christmas preparations I'd totally put my goal of completing our application by 2013 on the back burner. But lately I think we're both feeling a subtle feeling of urgency, which sometimes is not so subtle!  At this point I've started wondering about the birth parents involved. Only God knows what's going on in their lives right now and I pray for them. If I've learned anything from our first time around, it's that adoption is definitely bittersweet. Though I admire them for their decision to place, there's a lot of heartbreak that comes with that decision. I hate to know anyone will experience that kind of heartbreak. The sweet part of it is getting to keep them in our lives and having them see how the child they love is growing up. I love our open relationship with Nathan's birth mom and I love that he knows her.

In other news we got some new family photos done by the fabulous Kenna! She is awesome and I'm excited to have cute new photos for our profile! Here are a few (or several)!

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Moving Along

I can't believe it's been 6 months since I've blogged anything. Working on our infertility was put on the back burner as life took over. At the same time we started working with Drs. 6 months ago we also contacted the LDS adoption agency here to start filling out adoption paperwork. And lemme tell you, if I thought the process to adopt in Utah was extensive, they've got nothing on Ohio. Same procedure, but a lot more paperwork. One nice thing about Ohio though, the LDS agency doesn't seem as in demand as in Utah. Which means the manager on the phone was super nice, didn't sound overworked, and not jaded at all. Woot!

We've been rather slow this time around getting all the paperwork filled out. Life really has been busy. Six months later and we're finally almost done with the parts we can fill out on our own. The next step will be contacting drs., our bishop, references, etc. Then once we turn in our paperwork and $$, the real fun begins! Realistically, my goal is just to get approved by June 2013.

In the meantime I feel like I've received the occasional nudge from above to get this paperwork done. Just random things that might not seem like a big deal to anyone other than me. Like how my favorite general thrift store suddenly one day had a brand-new-with-tags white blessing dress in the exact style I would have wanted to buy in SIZE 6 MONTHS. Which, for an adoptive family, is typically the size all that fabulous blessing stuff happens. What are the odds? I totally bought it. I keep it in my room to remind myself, baby girl or not, to continue working on all this extensive paperwork.

Why are we filling out paperwork? The answer is pretty simple. Working with Drs. for answers is nice and it may one day lead to the results we're hoping for, but our reality right now is that we cannot conceive. In order to grow our family, adoption is our current reality. It took 5 years for Nathan to join our family. During most of those years we thought conception was our reality, although difficult. We did all we could then to make what we thought our reality was happen. Once we found out getting pregnant was not an option, we switched gears and went to work on the adoption process. Through much thought and prayer, I finally realized we needed to put our work and effort back into what we knew was our current option. If things change in the future, like they did a few years ago, then we'll again switch gears and get to work. For now, adoption is our path to parenthood.

Honestly, I'm sooo excited. I know we got incredibly lucky our first time around. I know that each time we go through this I need to set minimal expectations. But I can't help but love this process (ok, minus the paperwork). I love knowing God is directing our hearts and the hearts of the birth parents. I love getting to meet them. I love falling in love with them and our future child. No matter how a child joins our family, I feel it's special. I feel an awe for the strength and love the biological family has for this child. My hat goes off to the woman who goes through labor to bring that child into the world, and into our family. We feel blessed we get to experience parenthood this way.

So wish us luck on this paperwork, the background checks, the home study, and working with more drs!

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Coping with Infertility

This has been an interesting month. We have found out some more information about our infertility and will find out some more in a couple months. Great news! Information is always appreciated in our situation. I don't care if the answers lead to pregnancy or not, the knowing provides a huge comfort.

This month's LDS Ensign issue happens to have an article called "Learning to Cope with Infertility". It's a great article and I totally recommend it. In the past, I've been so turned off by stories where a couple miraculously ends up pregnant (spoiler alert!), with no medical intervention. Not so this time around. This month, for the first time in 4-5 years, I've felt hope. And peace. All of last month's panic and anxiety is completely gone. I feel blessed with the most beautiful feeling that everything is going to be ok.  Just this little feeling to sit back and be patient and to let God do his thing.

Aren't you glad you don't have to go through life alone? That's there's someone more powerful than you in control?

I am.

Saturday, June 16, 2012

A Great Father

What makes a great Father? 
I think the two most important ingredients are
love and time.

This is an ode to my husband, the father of our son.

From the beginning,

I watched as you embraced your son and the role of Father.

You protect him,

You talk with him,

you cuddle with him,

you play with him,

you teach him,

you lift him up,

and comfort him.

I can already see that he wants to grow up to be just like you...

Happy Father's Day Gavin!

We love you!

Sunday, May 20, 2012

a new (thankful) perspective

I've been trying to blog several thoughts lately and each time I write them out, they come out wrong. So hopefully this thought will come out right!

I've been learning a lot lately. Or rather, being taught a lot lately. There's been certain people placed in my path that has made me see some things in a new light.

Like the fact of how blessed I really am to be a Mother of one right now.

Let me explain.

Years ago when we were still trying to become a family of three, Gavin and I tried to make the best of life and spent tons of time together. We were pretty much attached at the hip for 5 years before Nathan made his miraculous entrance into our family. I didn't see the blessing of having those five years of course till after we became parents. It wasn't until I was a Mother that I started thanking God for those wonderful years all to ourselves. We have so many great memories during those years! I'm grateful that, despite that we were trying to grow our family, we took the opportunity to really live and grow together. Those 5 years are now treasured and held dear.

Ironically, as we're yet again hoping our family expands some more I find myself relearning this valuable lesson on perspective.

I recently chatted with a lady who shared with me something personal that will stick with me always. She was so  excited for her first child when he came. She had plans and dreams of things to do with him. Then baby #2 came unexpectedly soon after. Very soon. Her first two boys are less than a year apart. I tried to let that sink in as we were talking, trying to imagine what that would be like. Most of us who are infertile I think are quick to merely judge others who can bear children as being  so lucky. They have what we want, right? But that was a real challenge for her. She had zero time alone with her first son before she was pregnant and preparing for son #2. I let her story sink in and realized that being able to bear children doesn't mean there's not challenges associated with that too!

I met another lady who is pregnant with #11. Being that Gavin and I wanted a large family (though, not 11!) I was a little envious. Whereas one trial for her is feeling like she'll never be done with maternity clothes. Made me think.

Today a friend remarked that they could tell I was a Mother of one. I do activities with Nathan. We spend time together. I post adorable photos of our shenanigans on Facebook. Normally, I would have been a little offended or sensitive to that remark. But today I realized with gratitude that I have time for all those things! It reminded me of my time alone with Gavin. Before early bedtimes, naptimes, and needing to cart diapers and snacks with me everywhere came along. Today I feel so truly grateful that I have been given so much time alone with Nathan. What a blessing! What memories we are making together!

Though I hope there's a Holga or Jake around the corner, I can be happy now in what God has given me for the "right now"!

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

Pass the Pen

As I've mentioned before on the blog, we have some more research to do before we embark on adoption again. This research will, hopefully, answer any questions we have on whether we can get pregnant or not. Questions that have been left unanswered for nearly 2 years. 

It's exciting! Until...

Until you print off all the paperwork for your fertility consultation appointment.

Nothing like answering a myriad of questions about your menstrual cycle and sex life to bring back all feelings of discouragement.We've been through research before. This is the second, and hopefully, final round. It's a little disheartening. To say the least.

Infertility: where children are the result of prayer and paperwork, not sex. Sadly.

Maybe if we fill it out in the bedroom it will feel more romantic?

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Mother's Day and Birth Mother's Day

Did you know there's a Birth Mother's Day? It's the day before Mother's Day.

Last year was my first Mother's Day and I contemplated which day should we honor Nathan's birth mother and for me, the answer was both days! She's both. His first Mother and his birth Mother.

I'm so excited for the package we'll be sending her for these 2 special days!

This morning was the first attempt at taking some darling photos for her.

I say first attempt because I'm learning that a toddler doesn't always smile AT the camera when you want them to!

Here are just a couple I took today!

And shh! It's a secret!

Monday, April 23, 2012

NIAW and the Best News Ever

Did you know this week is NIAW-National Infertility Awareness Week?

Infertility definitely sucks. No way around that.

But adoption is a miracle all it's own.

I just got the best news tonight. A dear friend has just been placed with her second lil boy! I am bouncing with joy for her!

It makes me wonder though when this lil guy will get a brother or sister?
I think he needs one. Don't you?

I can't believe how big he's gotten! Where did our baby go? He's growing so fast! He is all toddler now! Today was the first day he said please instead of signing it! I was so happy! He's now saying "please"  "thank you" and "sorry". He's such a sweetheart and we love him dearly! Couldn't imagine life without him!

I'm so grateful for open adoption. Turns out lil man may have allergies, seasonal. Apparently allergies are pretty bad here in Ohio. I was able to quickly text his fabulous birth mama to see if she has any allergies. Turns out she has seasonal allergies too! The blessings of open adoption! I love being able to talk to her anytime! We love her and are so grateful for her.

Feel free to hop on over to Julie and say Congrats!

Monday, February 6, 2012

The Battle of "You never know..."

Infertility is a tricky thing. 
Often there are very few known factors. 
If you're one of the lucky ones, the doctor was able to pinpoint the problem and 
deliver a neat and tidy diagnosis.
If you're part of the majority, you're given a list of factors contributing to your infertility. 
While any information is great it still leaves room for a whole lot of questions.

Then there's the confusion of the general public about infertility. 
From many well-meaning folks you'll get the infamous "Just relax" and
"Maybe it's just not the right time."

But probably the worst is the "You never know..."

Oh you never do know
Know for certain.
You're never 100% positive that you'll never, ever get pregnant.
You may be 98% sure.
Or even 99% sure.
Or even 99.9999999% sure.
But there's always that small % that whispers "you never know..."

Our lives are filled with "you never know".
You never know if your car will break down. 
So you save extra $ in the bank.
You never know if your baby will have a blowout in the grocery store, 
so you pack extra clothes and wipes in your diaper bag. 
You never know if the world will end tomorrow, 
so you store massive amounts food in your basement.

While it's great to be prepared, 
if you constantly live in a state of
"you never know"
then what are you missing that you do know?

You're missing on life.

So many well meaning people have told me "you never know".
But if I told myself that every month I'd go crazy. 
I'd completely miss out on the joy of what I do know now,
worrying about what I don't know in the future.

Talk about sucking the life out of life, right?
I'll pass.

My friends Jewls recently blogged this which perfectly illustrates how I feel about all this.
Sometimes you do just need to know in order to quiet that little voice and move on.

I do know that Gavin and I will evaluate prayerfully our options as we move forward.
If that leads to us getting pregnant, great! 
There'll be a party and you'll all be invited!
If not and our baby comes through a different path, great!
There'll be a party and you'll all be invited!

There are a lot of unknowns ahead and it's exciting.
Maybe we'll find out answers.
Maybe we won't.
Either way, "you never know" can drive you crazy or
it can symbolize the exciting future that surely lies ahead!

Friday, January 27, 2012

Optimism is a Lifestyle

For the past few months Gavin and I have been discussing and wondering the question,

"now what?"

Going through the five years of fertility tests together and the adoption process all led to our beautiful son Nathan
But I never thought beyond our first child. I felt we'd have more than one kid, but I was so focused on becoming a parent of one that I hadn't given much thought to any child after that. 

So to answer our question, we have no idea. 

I could lie and say there's no heartache. But of course there is. I'd love to be able to plan (give or take a year) when our children will join our family. I'd love to say there's no panic. But of course there is. I'd love to say I knew this was coming. But I had no idea. 

I had no idea that the majority of the emotions we'd felt before Nathan would be back. Not as intense. But there nonetheless. I was not prepared to jump back into the fog of the unknown. 

Till recently all I thought of was how wonderful it was that we were finally parents! 

But as Nathan gets older its made me stop, look around the room, and wonder when the rest of our family is coming. 

And how they're coming.

We have no set plans. No path or direction laid out as of yet. 

Except to pray for guidance, pray for patience, and save our pennies. Again. 

I guess that's the beautiful part of infertility. To draw near to God in prayer, to humble yourself to patience, and as a couple make sacrifices to bring another special child into our family. 

There will be moments of sadness. Moments of fear. But these are just that. Moments in a journey of faith. 

And I feel so blessed to be on it.


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