Friday, July 30, 2010

Between a rock and a hard place

Everyone knows when you undergo the miracle of adoption that you're going to fall in love with the Baby. It's a given. But what about when you love the birth mother?

Right now I'm having a hard time with the realization that once the baby's born I won't get to see E anymore. There'll be no more Dr's appointments or visits planned etc because we all agreed that we wouldn't do visits once the Baby was born, for his sake.

But this has all taken me completely by surprise. I had hoped to like the birth mother and be friends but this is something else entirely and I'm afraid I'll cry tears when more distance is created between E and I. (Except for late night texting!) I know its for his sake; I don't think we want to cause him any confusion or conflicting emotions before he's old enough to understand our different roles in his life. But I can't help but selfishly wish that it didn't have to be that way. That she and I could hang out like normal Mommy friends with our babies. We're both so comfortable in our roles and callings in this little guy's life that there's no awkwardness. But I guess its not really fair to push that on him. Does anyone have any advice?

It would be a lot easier if I only liked E. But I freakin' love her. I've rarely felt so close to a person before. She's as close as a sister. The thought of never seeing E again makes me want to cry. So that leaves me either with us pushing Baby into possible confusion (not a good idea) or me hanging out with her alone. Hmm, this could be a good idea yes? I dunno.

Again, any thoughts O' Cyber World of Adopting Parents?


  1. This is definitely a tough question, and I don't know that I will be of much help, but here is my situation. (And I will apologize now for such a long comment=)

    I am a foster parent, and my son came to us at three weeks old. In the beginning, we were working with bio mom for her to get him back. I had a really tough time with that, because even though I liked her, she had done some serious things to get him taken away, I had serious doubts about her overcoming those issues and being able to take care of him properly, and from the moment I first laid eyes on that little angel, I knew that I was his Mama. Those were really hard times!

    Fast forward to today...Bio Mom came to the decision that she knew we were meant to be his parents and she wanted us to adopt him and give him the life that she knew she never could. We didn't have the "traditional" adoption, so we never got to sit down and talk about what would happen in the future. Initially, bio Mom said she didn't want to interfere with his new life, but would be open to meeting him in the future, if and when he ever wanted to. We agreed to email her with periodic updates and photos.

    When his birthday and Christmas rolled around about 6 months later, she asked us if she could get him a present. Since she doesn't have our home address, we asked if she wanted to meet in person to exchange the gift, and did she want to see the baby. She did, we met for dinner, and we had a great time. We have really come to love and respect our bio Mom and know that without her, we wouldn't be a family.

    We have seen her several times in the 8 months since then, but it is starting to get a little tricky again. Bio Mom is very young still, and even though she knows we are his parents now, she is asking us more and more for things like get togethers at the park so she can show him off to all of her friends, or meeting her somewhere when family comes into town so they can meet him. I fear that she is having a really hard time letting him go. We do love her and are forever grateful for the precious gift she has given us, but I do think it is hard to have too much contact. Our son is 18 months old now, and he doesn't see her often enough to view her as more than just a casual acquaintance, but I think it will start to get confusing for him as he gets a little older.

    We are trying to be supportive and help bio Mom grieve and get closure, but our face to face visits are going to start becoming fewer and farther between from here on out. I still keep a private blog for her with pictures and updates and we email each other from time to time. I think your contact with your bio Mom while she grieves and processes will be helpful to her, but face to face contact might just make it too hard on everyone.

    I am certainly no expert though, and this is only the one experience I have had with this sort of thing. I wish you the best and hope you can find something that works out best for all of you. I am always available if you need someone to talk to as well. Best of luck and congratulations on your little one!


  2. I think you need to just take it slow. Yes you agreed to not meet afterward to lessen the confusion but feelings change.
    It's been 5 years since adopting my boy. In the beginning we felt it best to take it slow and see how things worked out. When he was 6 months old Ashlee came to his blessing. Then 6 mths later I went to her high school graduation. Then..a few weeks later his birthday party (never did I think that but your heart changes) We don't spend time everyday but we text message and call each other every month or so...Now he knows her as Ashlee his bmom and like a friend and that's a good place to be. Relationships change...adjusting your agreement for more contact isn't such a bad thing. Just wait and let it take it's course HUGS!

  3. We've seen T several times since Zachary was born and it's awesome. I love her like a sister. I don't think it will every be confusing for Zac because he will always know about his adoption...I'm his mommy, but he has extra people to love him and more love is never a bad thing.

    I can't imagine not having an open relationship with T. We love her so much and have such a unique bond with her that it would have been excruciating to cut that off cold turkey...I also think it's a really good thing for her to see us as a family and have the confirmation that Zac is where he is supposed to be.

    Just my two cents, but I think that's why openness is becoming the "norm" in adoptions, it's so much more healthy than the closed mentality of 20 years ago.



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