I really try not to get all emotional out in blogger-space but today will probably be different, just a warning!
I'm an English major and still working on that rad degree. Last semester was the first time I wrote about adoption and infertility. And wrote I did! And this semester. I can't stop writing about the amazing miracle of love that adoption is, nor the pain that comes with infertility.
Last semester I wrote about 4 women I knew around my age struggling with different levels and stages of infertility for one of my papers. Earlier this semester I found out one of them became pregnant! I don't think you can imagine my joy and excitement for her and her husband! She had been trying to nearly 6 years and been through so much (she's my hero). And then one month they miraculously got pregnant on their own! YAY! She had also experienced 2 miscarriages (did I mention she's my hero?) and yesterday they heard a LOUD and healthy heartbeat at their ultrasound! YAY again!
Then, last night I discovered another one of those 4 women I wrote about is also pregnant! I was ecstatic!! (both of these lovely ladies are cousins of mine and I can't say enough how much I love them)
When I told Gavin he jokingly said I should write about more women lol. I'm wondering myself, do I posses some magical writing-real-life power? Which leads to, if I do then should I write a paper about us? ;)
In all seriousness, and how can I describe this?, my joy for them was overwhelming. My heart was full and I thanked my loving Heavenly Father for blessing these two women (and their husbands!) with this miracle.
But there is of course a flip side.
I couldn't help hear this tiny voice in my head timidly ask: Why not me? Why not us?
Though I wanted to push this nonsensical question away, I knew I needed to let myself grieve. Later that night, as Gavin was saying his personal prayer in our living room, I went to our bedroom, dropped to my knees, and let myself bawl as I poured out my heart to Him. I like to think I'm pretty tough, I was none so tough last night and was grateful for a loving Heavenly Father to lean on at that moment. I didn't ask him why we weren't pregnant. I already knew the answer to that. I didn't plead, I didn't beg for our child to come to us soon (as in past prayers). I simply pleaded for strength, comfort, and peace and to feel His love for me right then. I'm not sure if I've ever uttered such an honest simple and heartfelt prayer in my life. I went to bed knowing that this is all in His hands and without worry. Between the peace I felt from Him and from crying (crying sometimes does wonders lol) I felt so relaxed! Those blankets haven't felt that soft in a long time lol! I slept amazingly well and woke up this morning to a peaceful and bright outlook.
Trials are for a time, a reason, and season.
I am so grateful for a loving Heavenly Father who lovingly guides us through hard times.